This post is a huge question that I have asked myself so many times but can never get a solid answer for. This question does not ask for your pity or try to acquire it in some subconscious way. What I want from you is the cold hard truth so that I can better myself.

Well, if you've followed my blog at all, you've seen how I've been searching for jobs for quite some time. I finally have one as a material handler for a distribution center. Before I say much more, I want to say that this is a very hard job. The people that work with me are incredibly strong and agile, along with a strong understanding of the duties of the job. People like this deserve way more admiration than they receive because of the very hard work that they do. This can likewise be said for many jobs, from construction, to law, to science, and what have you.

This is where my question lies, however. All my life I have enjoyed working with computers in ways that a lot of people do not understand, but I will readily explain anything if the question arises. My potential employers do not seem to think I am fit for any computer job that I have applied for (and I have applied for all I have seen). Why can't I get the job?

I first want to list my qualifications. I can type 70+ WPM. I am not sure of my 10-key speed at the moment, but rest assured my fingers know where the keys are. I have decades of experience with Windows and can run the system quite easily without a mouse. If pressed further, I can work within windows without even a monitor, since I am able to use the system by sound alone. If Windows isn't your company's OS, I am certainly not new to linux. With this OS, I have much more control over the computer, but in an attempt to impress those who know what is going on, I will say that I can dual boot linux with any other OS (or tri-boot, or what have you). I was first able to accomplish this with LILO but can do the same with grub, with or without a compiled linux kernel.

Forget booting linux, that's the easy part. Let's make a firewall with it. No problem! I've done that, as well as creating different types of networks through such a machine. I prefer the console to X because of the keystrokes, but if you have a custom X install, I can adapt quickly. Enough of linux, on to Mac. Easiest system ever, really. If you cannot run this, you shouldn't be using a computer. Not much to say, here, other than learning finder.

More: I can spoof, crack, code, network, troubleshoot, and well, anything. If I were to brag, I would say that I know more than enough to take down most networks, but not enough to get hired.

Wut do?

Instead of giving a link to music that seems to fit the mood for today, I'll embed the video. Press play and give it a spin while reading this.

Anyway, still no job. I'm waiting a couple of hours and heading back into town for more application placement. Hey, at least we have the air conditioner fixed, so that's a huge relief! Otherwise, both Kim and I have a lot of electronically placed applications all over the state. If we do not find relief soon, we'll probably be forced to move in with her parents until I can get a job.

Anyway, although I am out of college (temporarily, of course), I am still forcing myself to learn. I'm currently reading C++ How to Program (7th Edition) along with Visual Studio. I'm currently on page 98, learning about validation of data to a class' functions. Fun stuff, huh? Well, this isn't all too new to me, since I've dabbled in this sort of stuff before, but I have learned about the how's and why's of creating and linking headers to the program.

Well, I'm off for now. Wish me luck!

First, let's set the mood for this post. This music certainly seems fitting for the mood. The link is here. Open this in another tab if you will while reading this.

Well, today is the start of a new day. I've put in some IT applications with the Chickasaw Nation, including resume and transcript. I'm very hopeful that I'll hear something from them. This house is really draining me. It just doesn't feel like a home with all of the work that needs to be put into it. As our finances are slowly dwindling away, I can only pray that I will land a job soon enough to save our family.

It doesn't help that I'll be driving in 110+ temps in business attire without an air conditioner, but I'll try my best. There are two computer places in Durant that I have my eye on; hopefully I can snag something that can make use of my skills. If not, I have a couple of IT apps sitting with the Chickasaw nation. I have my hopes up for those.

What skills do I have? Pretty much anything with computers. I started teaching myself typing as a preteen, which I estimate is around 10 - 12. While in school, we were taught on Apple IIe computers. Bad foresight for my school then, huh? While much of my class were busy playing Oregon Trail, I fired up a version of BASIC, but I cannot recall which. I toyed with commands and such, and soon found my way into the directories of the computers network. Here, I found the teachers password, which was funnily enough, "payday." Ask any of my teachers who worked there if you do not believe me.

Since, I have dabbled with other programming languages. Pascal, C++, etc. I delved into linux for a couple of years with slackware being my first real install, but falling in love with debian. I did some amazing things, from logging into IRC from spoofed IPs, which was the funniest thing. The trick was to have an IP that didn't respond to pings. We found several .gov IPs and .mil's that we trolled porn and warez channels. If it did respond to pings, well, we could deal with that with a smurf or fraggle. I was a true script kiddie. I was writing broadcast hunter scripts and had quite the list back then.

I got away from that malicious lifestyle though. Now, I play games, mostly, when I'm not having fun with my wife and kids or finding work. I can troubleshoot almost any piece of hardware or software that I come across, even if I'm not familiar with it. Security penetration is still high in my interests, so you may see me in the security tubes from time to time. I'd really like to get to business and learn some C++, but my job is pretty much going to have to do that with me. I really need a steady job that will allow for college hours. When I was with DISH, you can see my grades drop at the end because of my overtime and extra requirements.

I would like my next job to blend with my degree so that I learn and grow at the same time. It doesn't hurt to be hopeful, but perhaps it will happen, and maybe today will be that day. Wish me luck in the heat!

Would anybody care to hear from me again? It has been so long that I hardly remember what or why I was working on this. The humdrum of life is back in effect. It is scorchingly hot outside, yet I am due to start working for DirecTV soon. On one hand, I want the work. On the other, I want to go back to college and finish my degree, which is my true love (my great wife stands first, of course, but my tongue doesn't seem to poetically inclined enough to grace her presence with how I really feel).

Business Information Systems, that is something I enjoy. I live and breathe computers and know them almost too much. Those who know me well know that I know much, but none know how much. The sandwich restaurant that a friend and I took control of the keyboard and mouse of, the security feeds we saw... Yet, I am afraid that I don't know enough about computers to impress my employers.

I have struggled with this for years. I have labored to find somebody to learn from, one who enjoyed being taught as much as I enjoy teaching what I have learned. Of course, I found nobody. I made many friends, but I'm still the shell of what I could have been.

I did have a rather complicated dream recently though. It was quite spectacular, but I can remember little of it. I remember enough to hold a very loose mental diagram, and this diagram showed me just how pathetic I really am. It was my own demon, something that has tormented me for years. However, I began a critical examination of what this demon really was. What else could such a demon do but make me feel less about myself? This was his one and only job, and he has failed.

I've learned that I am kind, and sincere, and love others more than myself. Sometimes I cannot display this like I would like to and dread feeling this way. I am just me, though, like you are just you. Letting myself dwell on it for so long is only hurting myself.

So, tonight, I throw off this armor of sorrow that I have worn for so long and now put on an armor of righteousness, truth, and humility. I will try to explain later.