It was another depressing day. I feel bad for not going to Oklahoma with Kim, but I'm just lacking in energy and motivation. Mom told me today that the way she described it was a dark hole that you can't get out of. Well, I'm trying my hardest, and eventually, I'll make it. I don't want to go to a mental hospital because I'd miss my wife and everything, but if I stay home, fewer options are available. We'll be getting out of Vic's house, which is a good thing. We're finally coming closer to our own house and all... I feel so terrible that I'm not helping, but something is holding me back. I don't know what, or why, but it just seems that way. I've messed up so many times previously that it feels like people have no faith in me, and by all means, they shouldn't. In my state, I could do just about anything. Not like killing anybody or anything like that, but I'm just at the end of my rope. I feel caged and I want freed. Well, tomorrow, I have 2 appointments with the MHMR, hopefully all will go good.

I'm also very thankful to Rick for giving us the money to help us out. Rick, if you ever read this, thank you SO much! It means the world to us to be out of that house and on our own. You have given us more than I could ever imagine. Quite possibly more than my father did, so you're like a father to me. I look up to you and respect you. I know you've had rough times too... everybody does... I'm also very sorry for the way things happened between Stoney and I... It must have been a misunderstanding plus his rough day at work. I'm sure his work isn't easy, and I feel for him... Yet, I don't appreciate the way he approached me about food, as it was also confusing, as I didn't know you had talked to Kelly about commodities. I wouldn't have it in me to ever approach anybody in that manner... I don't know what I did wrong or how I should have corrected it, but that's all history now.


To the present, I'm quite unsure of what outcomes may lie ahead. I may go to a hospital, or maybe not. I don't know. Help would be nice, which is what we are receiving. Maybe in a hospital I could catch up on some reading... God knows I need to. Maybe this appointment tomorrow will bring good, who knows. Anything is worth a try at least once.

Today hasn't been a very good day. It's been quite the downer... Reasons why is because of many things; Celes, Vic's rules, the trashy house, lack of jobs, no money. That's just to name a few. Yesterday, I went to the ER about my problems. I was crying and everything, but not because I wanted it to look real, but because it was real. Nonetheless, the Dr... A Dr. by the name of Dr. Rambo just said I was being negative about everything and that I just needed to cheer up. I know enough about psychology to know that that is NOT the thing to say to someone like me. I'm now not only in the dumps, but now I just feel tiny like I just don't know what to do with my life. Worse comes to worse, she said I had 2 options: go to Terrell, or go home with a 1mg Xanax. Of course I chose the xanax, but that's just because I don't want to go to that stinkhole.

I've also done some things that I quite shouldn't have... I regret them now, but isn't that always the case? No number of "I'm sorry's" are ever going to cut it, and it cuts me like a knife. I can't fix it. All I can do is act like it never happened.

However, my biggest horror quite possibly is the dreams of Celes. The feel, the smell, the soft skin... I can still see it all, yet I can't physically touch it in my dream state. I guess I should just toughen up and not think of things like that, because there sure is no positive about this... Not like Dr. Rambo said.

Well, so anyway, tomorrow I have an appointment at the MHMR center tomorrow. I doubt it, but I might actually see a Dr. They don't know how much it would mean to me... Upper, downer, I don't care, I just need to clear my head. I can't do anything really until I get it, and until I get it, I'm stuck at that filthy house. It nothing but a depressing situation. If there were just something I could do, I would, but I can't think of anything. Each passing day seems worse than the prior. I'm getting less and less done, just feeling sorry for myself... I want to talk to somebody, but there isn't anybody, not until I get my appointment set up.

Kim is down with me, but she says things will get better. Of course they will, but this mindless suffering even for a day or two is painful. I can't wait to just get away from it all, get on with my life, and be happy. Shoot, I don't even know if I'll make tomorrow's appointment. My sleep schedules are all screwed up, and my fear of talking on top of that... Good luck to me, I'll certainly need it.

Best of luck to all of you...

Let's see, let's see... Nothing much to say, really, so this is just a minor update. With Kim's last paycheck, she bought a 10-pack of blank CD-R's from Office Max. With these, we've been making rips of DVD's and downloading movies to burn on CD's. We've already got a pretty good collection and it's growing. Right now, I'm downloading Bringing Down the House and Daredevil. A few days ago, I made rips of Final Destination 2 and Tears of the Sun. It takes 1 700MB CD per movie, so that's 4 CD's so far. I've also found a new archiving tool. It's called UHARC. So far, it has beaten .ZIP, .ACE, and .RAR every single time. It's great for fitting a lot onto one cd! :)

We've also found out some more about C-Tech, a new computer company that is coming into town and hiring a lot of people. I'll go and apply there for a job and hopefully get it. With this, if Kim wanted, she could quit so I could work, because I know I'd make more than her. She just isn't getting enough hours at TCIM. That job is a joke. How do they expect to keep workers if they don't even give you a guaranteed 15 hours a week? They've lied about many things to her and it won't stop. They need to figure out what's going on and fix it... It doesn't take a genius to fix these kinds of things.

Welp, so long! That's all I can think to write right now. :P

I'm at Mom's again. This is probably the last time for a while, but who knows. Kim is at work right now; I'm just waiting here until she either calls me to pick her up or until 10:00 PM, when she gets off. Well, anyway, lately Kim, Michael, Justin, and I have been playing Dungeon's and Dragons. It's a roleplaying game I've wanted to play for a long time, since I first found some DnD books that my dad had. It's a game of your imagination where you determine the success of actions with dice. Kim likes it so much that she's writing adventures for it already! I'd have never expected that. I guess RPG's are just addicting. :)

Also, Kim and I got a new dog. A female chihuahua. Her name was Prissy, but we decided to change it to Sasha. Her hair is a little longer than any other chihuahua that I've seen, but I like it. It was actually an early birthday present from Kim.

Hmm... I was also approved by TCIM for the job, they just don't have any hours for me yet. I'm supposed to call next Thursday and see how things are going. Hopefully I'll have the job back so we can start moving on.