It was another depressing day. I feel bad for not going to Oklahoma with Kim, but I'm just lacking in energy and motivation. Mom told me today that the way she described it was a dark hole that you can't get out of. Well, I'm trying my hardest, and eventually, I'll make it. I don't want to go to a mental hospital because I'd miss my wife and everything, but if I stay home, fewer options are available. We'll be getting out of Vic's house, which is a good thing. We're finally coming closer to our own house and all... I feel so terrible that I'm not helping, but something is holding me back. I don't know what, or why, but it just seems that way. I've messed up so many times previously that it feels like people have no faith in me, and by all means, they shouldn't. In my state, I could do just about anything. Not like killing anybody or anything like that, but I'm just at the end of my rope. I feel caged and I want freed. Well, tomorrow, I have 2 appointments with the MHMR, hopefully all will go good.

I'm also very thankful to Rick for giving us the money to help us out. Rick, if you ever read this, thank you SO much! It means the world to us to be out of that house and on our own. You have given us more than I could ever imagine. Quite possibly more than my father did, so you're like a father to me. I look up to you and respect you. I know you've had rough times too... everybody does... I'm also very sorry for the way things happened between Stoney and I... It must have been a misunderstanding plus his rough day at work. I'm sure his work isn't easy, and I feel for him... Yet, I don't appreciate the way he approached me about food, as it was also confusing, as I didn't know you had talked to Kelly about commodities. I wouldn't have it in me to ever approach anybody in that manner... I don't know what I did wrong or how I should have corrected it, but that's all history now.


To the present, I'm quite unsure of what outcomes may lie ahead. I may go to a hospital, or maybe not. I don't know. Help would be nice, which is what we are receiving. Maybe in a hospital I could catch up on some reading... God knows I need to. Maybe this appointment tomorrow will bring good, who knows. Anything is worth a try at least once.