Sadly, today is going to be my last day of blogging for a little while. But while here, I'll let everyone know what the plan is. Tomorrow (Thursday) we're going back to Tulsa to learn a few things about how to care for Celes. Luckily enough, we're getting a courtesy room for two days to do this. After that, who knows what. At least we'll be spending time with her.

On to the Atkin's diet we've been doing. Yesterday I bought all the vitamins that the book recommended for people on the diet. They were:

• Borage Oil (500 mg), containing 200 mg Gamma-Linolenic Acid
  
• Flax Oil (1000 mg), containing 585 mg Alpha-Linolenic Acid
  
• Multivitamins, containing an array of things
  
• Natural Fiber Laxative (Sugar Free) containing Psyllium Husk Fibers (but also 2g fiber, if I'm correct)
  

These vitamins should help increase the rate at which I loose weight while also supplying me with nutrients that I'll be deficient on while on the Induction Phase of this diet.

So far, on this diet, I haven't been really starving, but at times I do get a bit hungry. I am allowed all the food I want, as long as I keep the carbohydrates below 20g. Not too bad, huh? And this induction is only going to last a minimum of two weeks. After two weeks if I'm ready to move on, I can, but probably not because I want to lose weight the fastest possible. If anybody is reading this and wants a change in lifestyle/health/weight, I would really recommend reading Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution. It's only $5.99 at any Wal-Mart. It'll change the way you feel about eating.

I'm still a little depressed about everything going on. To be honest, I'm not sure how long Celes will live, and if she does, how good the quality of life will be for her. It's on my mind every day, I just don't show it to Kim, because there's no reason to spread fear around like that. I would give my life for her, without a second thought. I wish I could, but I just can't. The best I can do is just be here for her, but like in the previous blog, being here isn't enough for that social worker.

When Kim and I chose to have this baby, we knew things would get tough. We knew things would get tight, and we would have less time for ourselves. That's what we wanted, though, because Celes is worth everything, and Kim surely agrees. But this isn't under normal circumstances. I never expected to have a child with a need for breathing aparatus or a whole in her throat and stomach. You don't know how much it hurts to not even hear her cry. The closest thing to crying I ever see is a scrunched up "mad" face. Maybe this is a reason I don't like to see her so much? It hurts, deep down where I've never felt hurt before. I'm always looking for ways to get my mind off of it, but it's never enough. It's like a drug... You do it, you feel a little better, but when you're done, the problem is still there, but now you feel worse because you didn't spend that time with her.

Life is getting ever more complex, and making ends meet will be especially hard. I feel like a new me, not the old me that exploited everything with little feelings for others, but a new me with compassion for my family and friends and especially my wife. Without them I'd be lost in an endless void. But life will hopefully get better. It usually does, but I've never experienced anything like this, so I just don't know. My cousin Jamie went through something similar to this, but he didn't have the brain problems that Celes does. If she could just turn out like Jamie I'd be so very happy, but I won't know for a while. Watching her grow up will either be wonderously happy or wonderously misirable. That doesn't mean that I don't love her, it just means it'd be very hard to know she won't know the better things in life, or have to live on all kinds of prescription medications, or whatnot.

Another thing that bothers me is my teeth and my glasses. My glasses are near shot, they look like crap, and make me feel even worse when I look at something. Of course I know that it doesn't matter what other people thing about you, but to me, it matters enough that I get embarassed and look away as much as possible. If I'm dressed the best I can be, as clean as possible, hair styled nicely, I'm still left with that. I've lived with it for several months now, and I can't stand it. It makes me feel like the poeple think I'm just too cheap to buy new ones (which of course I am). Now my teeth is another story. That's been a lifelong problem. I wish I could have had them fixed while I was a child, but my parents never could afford them. It's embarassing to smile, just like how it is with the glasses. I have this one tooth that sticks out, and several others that are just crooked. I would fix all this if I had the money and the insurance, but for a person like me with no college experience, finding a job that pays that good is very, very hard.

College is another thing. I wish I could attend, but I can't. I know there are pell grants, but where I'm from, I don't know any colleges. Maybe I'll ask. But either way, going to college is the same thing as not supporting my family, because I won't be making any money. And God forbid that Rick give us money. Everytime he does, he uses it as leverage against us about many other things. Kim wants to attend a vo-tech to get into medical transcriptioning, but if she did that, who would watch the baby? As you know, Celes has special needs, and only her and I will be trained for it. The options are never enough, and I don't want to be stuck the rest of my life as just another minimum wage person.

So, any suggestions? And by that, I mean suggestions that produce results, not just "hang in there" or "it'll get better."